Drowning

'Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes one feel as you might whena drowning man holds unto you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic. '

Master Rick sent me that quote of Anais Nin's a few weeks ago. At first i took it personally; it was as though he'd punched me in the stomach, and i reacted accordingly. After a mild scolding (& another swat promised to me. I think i'm close to another trip at this rate) he set me straight on what he had been doing. He merely wanted to bring my attention to something.

In the past few months i've been relaxing, no longer as nervous and touchy as what i used to be. I can laugh at myself again. And over time i've been getting better. Yes, there's been greiving and trying to figure out what/where i am in my life. My birthday was met with a tremendous amount of confusion; where is a person supposed to be at 36 in our society?

The time that i've been with Roxy here has really helped me to accept myself for what i am, with no apology. I'm set apart from my co-workers at my jobs because i don't see fit to idly gossip about things that have no real import. At the same time i'm more able to laugh at myself and life, i'm more serious about it.

Whatever positive or negative things that has happened as a result of my time with Marcus, some things i'll take with me forever. My unknown passion for ancient works, literature, dance. Learning how to take care of myself in a way i didn't know i could. The way i carry myself, move, approach people.

My time with Marcus was priceless, irreplacable. But that quote is still ringing in my head. I've let go, but he's still there.

shayla

Common Sense...

...doesn't seem to be all that common anymore.

Yes, i'm still around & doing fine. Sorry about the intermittent posting, but life is hectic. In the meantime, a friend of mine sent this to me. You'll get a kick out of it.

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos:..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." ('nuff said)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..?..)

shayla

Intake

For the past few months i've been harping and carrying on to a good extent. Making excuses. And my diet and exercise has gone to hell. There's no light way to put it. I can still fit into my clothes, but they've reached the point of being almost too uncomfortable. My one job is a death-trap when it comes to food. Any communal lunches that go on there have evolved into nothing short of a dessert buffet. Cheesecakes and pies and various petits fours and puddings. While my co-workers all live on fried chicken and potatoes at every lunch.

So that's enough of the whining and carping. For the past few days i've been exercising again and really paying attention to what i'm eating. More veggies, more lean meats and less chocolate and grains when i'm feeling sorry for myself. Already i can feel a difference. And the clothes feel a tiny bit not-so-tight. Far far fewer processed foods. And the old habit of snacking at the drive-through has been nipped in the bud. It's taking a self-discipline that i've not really put into practice. Master's not around to encourage me to eat right, it's up to me. And i know i'm not doing as good of a job as i used to, but i'm learning how to do it myself, not be watched over.

It's wonderful to know that the old tendency my body used to have of really responding to my efforts seems to still be around to a good extent.

shayla

Love

Roxie just made me cry with this. She can't recall where she heard it. But it's very profound. And it's got tears in my eyes right now.

"This then is the answer, to love, to live, to accept what God or the Gods may give. To ask no promise, to make no vow. But kiss the hand and caress the brow. To speed love's ebb, as you greet its flow. To have, to hold, and in time, let go."

We sat and discussed what that means to us for a little. Think about it, please.

shayla

Ad Infintitum, ad nauseum

I'm no longer where i'd been staying, which is part of why i've not posted for a while. Again, details aren't necessary. I needed to be closer to my job(s).

And actually it's a good move, i think. I've greived enough over things, it's time to really get started.

The attrition rate at my full-time job is really high. Sure, people will complain if they're making millions a year for doing nothing, but this is ridiculous. And it's not really an environment i'm wanting to stay in. So I'm going to just go for it and get back into the phlebotomy. Stop being so cautious and worrisome and move forward with things.

I'll need some re-training, but that'll not be any problem. And it shouldn't take me any time to get back into the swing of things. It'll be awfully good to be back in a lab.

shayla

Closure

Master was in town this weekend. We had a good time talking, discussing what'd gone on with us, what's been happening in our lives. The first evening i spent talking with him i didn't want to leave. For a few moments it was as if we were the same that we'd been months ago. Though it didn't last long. And the second evening was much as the same. Just talking about things, the movie '300', the historical inaccuracies and why they were put into place.

A friend of mine asked me later about it, why i'd even gone. Closure, that's why i went, why i talked to him. We had a good time together, got a great deal accomplished on both ends of the spectrum. But we've in many ways moved on. Though i'm still welcome back at any time. Which at some level is nothing short of astounding.

He asked me if i was happy. I told him that happiness right now is not a priority. Right now my concern is re-establishing myself and my life. Which is going very well.

Times and people and circumstances change. We've both moved on in our lives. And i for one am enjoying it. Though at the same time, i desperately wish i could go back to the way we were. A good friend of mine said once the other day, 'the honeymoon lasts three months, then life takes over'. Well, we had a good bit longer than three months. And they were the happiest of my life. But now it's definitely time to move on. I'm still standing by my conviction of taking care of my education i ever commit with another man.

Though if there was a way to turn it all back, i'd do it all over again. And not change a thing. The time spent with him is something i'll treasure forever.

It's time to move on, though.

shayla

Snarky

That's what Master Rick calls me when i'm playful, or am teasing him. Anymore it's a very good thing for me.

For too long i've been sinking into a jittery, nervous introvert. Something that i've hated being and haven't been able to keep from happening.

But lately that's been changing. I'm able to laugh more. Both at the world around me and at myself. I'm able to be more confident and more likely to speak up. More like my old spunky self.

I love it, i love seeing it in myself and knowing i'm on the right track.

Though i'm starting to accumulate the swats on the rear again from Master Rick. Which is a good and bad thing. Good, because it shows that i'm getting my confidence back, and bad, because i still tease too much. If i keep it up for too long i think i'm going to wind up at 14 swats again. I think there's a sub-clause somewhere in our relationship that i get tossed out of an airplane every time i reach that #14.

But that's not stopping me from having fun in life again. This sticking my head in the sand's not something i like.

shayla